BLUE DROP: Odorus Urungus
by Me Am Hulk
Summary: Meet the crew of the good ship BLUE - the wackiest ship in the Arume Empire! The commander's got an eye for the ladies, the navigator's got an eye for the hooch, while the ace pilot sits on her behind, mopes and does everything short of FLYING.
1. Chapter 1

**Odorus Urungus**

**A Blue Drop parody/fanfic**

**by Me Am Hulk!**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** For the reader's benefit, a brief GLOSSARY.

**HORIME:** Humans

**ARUME:** Those Obnoxious Aliens

**SPLIFF:** If you have to ask, you'll never know…

OKAY, Let's begin.

-1-

**Wakatake Mari **gasped as she stood on the observatory that looked over the length of the starship _Blue _and out to the wide open ocean. She expressed her surprise as any teenager would. "Wow!" she sighed. "This is like, totally… wow! Lucky!" She turned to the sharp dressed girl standing behind her. "This is a real live spaceship?"

Senkoji Hagino – clad in her white campaign cloak and cap – leaned against the doorway with a confident smirk. "Well it's a STAR-ship to be precise, but yeah honey, it's all mine! I'm the commander of this hooptie." Hagino tipped her commander's cap and eyed the slender pale legs of her guest. _They always dig the ship_, she said to herself.

Mari spun on her tiptoes as she took in the entire shape of the formidable, phallic battleship: Its three rows of cannons, the long angular prow, and the two bulbous maneuvering thrusters at its port and starboard. She craned her head skyward to look at the jutting conning tower. "And you work up there? In that big… thing?" Mari asked as she pointed toward the tower.

Hagino swaggered up to Mari and laced an arm around the other girl's shoulder. "That is the nerve center of the good ship _Blue_. And wait'll I show you the propulsion room so you can get an earful of those big, strong, humming engines."

"Mmmmm," Mari batted her eyes as she moaned. She clasped her hands together and asked breathlessly, "So what does this thing run on? Diesel?"

Hagino laughed softly at Mari's naivete. "Sugar, this whole thing is powered by the latest in Arume technology – the Emiru Force Drive. This big ship of mine is state of the art, fresh out the hangar, pride of the fleet…"

"Eh," a low, smooth voice interrupted, "doesn't seem so hot to me."

Hagino turned and shot an annoyed look at her other guest aboard the _Blue_ – a tall, boyish, spliff chewing schoolgirl named Kawashima Akane, who leaned against the wall near the observatory door. Akane looked around with her trademark cool gaze.

"Now if you stuffed all this inside a blue police box and it could travel through time? THAT would be way cool," Akane added.

"Time Lord technology," Hagino replied testily, "is overrated."

Akane smirked. "If you say so, Cap'n."

"COMMANDER," Hagino corrected the taller girl. She turned her attention again to Mari and fixed her smoothest smile. "How would you like to come up to my private quarters and…"

"OOH! Can I see the bridge?" Mari asked. "Can I? Can I? CAN I?"

Hagino cleared her throat. "Well, I'd be a bad C. O. if I didn't give you the formal tour." She presented her arm to Mari "Come along! Your friend," she shot a stink eye at Akane, "is welcome too."

Mari smiled and took Hagino's arm as the stepped off the observation deck. Akane twisted the spliff in her mouth, shrugged, and followed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Odorus Urungus**

-2-

**T****he commander of the **_**Gelbill**_ – second ship of the great and enviable Arume empire – was a fierce, no-nonsense warrior. If she had any sense of humor at all, it was a cruel and sadistic brand. These were her more endearing traits.

In her own way, the _Gelbill's_ commander had exposed herself to one of the myriad cultures on the Horime home world. Whereas Hagino had exposed herself to academia and Tsubael subjected herself to a broadband bombardment, the _Gelbill's_ commander zeroed in on a particular section of American counterculture. Upon her first survey of Earth, the _Gelbill's_ commander subjected herself to 72 Earth hours of Black Entertainment Television and _Yo! MTV Raps_. After emerging from an intensive study of the hip-hop subculture, the formidable and bellicose commander of the _Gelbill_ became convinced of one thing:

She was GANGSTA.

The _Gelbill's_ commander – who renamed herself "Tha IceRazr" – prowled along the deck of the bridge like an emcee surveying her fanatical audience. In point of fact, her "audience" – that is to say her command crew – were not facing her. They sat hunkered over their consoles. All her crew focused strictly on their posts and tried desperately to banish from their minds the fact that their commanding officer had clearly gone bat shit _loco_.

Tha IceRazr had a headset pressed against one ear and bobbed her head to the auditory information that streamed out of it as though she was soaking up a dope beat. At last, she set the headset down and planted her feet shoulder width apart. She ran her fingers through her new hairdo – modeled after her new heathen goddess Mary J. Blige. She let out a war whoop and pumped her fist in the air in order to win her crew's attention.

"A'right, A'right, A'right… lissen up peeps!" she declared in a powerful voice. "This is the breakdown: HQ just set us on the war path! We gonna hunt down our prodigal daughters aboard the _Blue_. Orders are we set those punks right with the FAMILY," this is what Tha IceRazr called the fleet. "An' if they ain't down with us, if they try to act like they bitches, if they try to act like THEY DON'T KNOW…" a cruel smile split Tha IceRazr's lips since she hoped the delinquents aboard the _Blue_ would continue to misbehave. "We get to SMOKE they asses! An' you KNOW how Tha IceRazr like to smoke a punk who act like THEY DON'T KNOW!"

Tha IceRazr trained her gaze on one of the gunnery technicians, whose pale face went ever more pale when she realized Tha IceRazr expected an answer from her in the new colloquial language Tha IceRazr had adopted.

"We… we uh," the tech simpered before finally composing herself "We get to bust an ice –flavored cap in they heads?"

"That's right, my sistah!" Tha IceRazr crowed with delight and continued, "We gets to use THA BIG GUN. My FA-vor-ite gun. THA ICEBERG GUN! We gets to pop a chunk o' Jack Frost in they domes! Who down with me?" The IceRazr demanded. "WHERE MY SISTAHS AT?"

"We down… yup, yup," the crew responded timidly.

"I… CAN'T… HEAR… YOU! WHERE MY SISTAHS AT?"

"Yeah-YEEEEEEEEEEAAAHHH…" the crew cried, hoping that this would satisfy the crazed whigger who currently rocked the house.

"Yeah," Tha IceRazr snarled, "that's what I like to hear. _Gelbill_ Posse IN EFFECT, punks bettah WATCH OUT! WHY?"

" 'Cause punks jump up to get beat down," the crew said in unison.

Tha IceRazr wound her arm like a bullwhip and said, "Charge up my big gun. I want to HEAR it! I wanna hear it HUMMING between my legs!"

The gunnery techs made faces as they tried to banish the image of their commander with something huge between her legs. They set about the business of priming the Gelbill's main weapon. Soon enough, faint, tell-tale vibrations caused the deck plates to hum.

Tha IceRazr rooted her feet harder against the plating so she could revel in the vibrations running through it. Her teeth began to chatter oh so slightly. "Awwww yeah," she sighed as the reverberations grew louder. "I loves my gun… _LOOOOOVES MAH GUUUNNNNNNNN_…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Odorus Urungus**

-3-

**T****he doors to the bridge swept open** and the three girls entered one by one: Mari skipped like a faun, Hagino strode in with the poise of crowned royalty and Akane swaggered in with the manner of a mildly stoned rock star.

Already present on deck at her navigation post was a pale skinned girl with even paler hair. She expressed her dedication to the post by resting her legs on the control panel while scratching her belly.

"Commander on deck," declared Hagino to the shiftless navigator. After grinding her teeth Hagino made her presence known a second time. "COMMANDER ON DECK!"

The navigator swung her legs off the panel, stood up, snapped a sloppy salute and replied with, "Yo."

If Hagino's eyes were daggers, they would have impaled the navigator. The commander turned to her guests, and made the introduction. "Tsubael, one of my navigators."

"Who are the hotties?," Tsubael asked. She pointed to Akane. "I like the tall one."

Akane stopped twirling her spliff and felt the creepy sensation of someone's eyes undressing her from collar to toe.

Mari broke the eerie tension with a question, "So uh, are we gonna meet the other navigator?"

Tsubael gave up a cruel chuckle, "I don't think you're gonna be meeting the fearless Lieutenant 'Oatmeal' anytime soon, being that she took the last rocket to deadsville…"

Hagino interrupted, "Her name was 'Oromil', for the record, and she died in the service of our ship and the great and enviable Arume empire."

Tsubael snorted and blew a raspberry, "Yeah, you keep telling that fairy tale, Cap'n Ekaril."

"COMMANDER," Hagino corrected Tsubael firmly.

Mari broke in at last. "Your name is 'Ekaril'?"

"Permission to return to my post?" Tsubael asked with mock formality.

"Granted," Hagino ground the word out of her mouth.

Tsubael snapped off another lazy salute and slumped back into her seat.

Mari asked again, "She called you Ekaril. I thought your name is 'Hagino'."

Hagino tried to strike a heroic pose. "Well uh… Hagino is my given name, and Ekaril is my family name. My full name is Ekaril Senkoji Hagino Belle-Mac Pherson… Banner."

At her post, Tsubael broke out laughing. "Nice one Commander, you gotta teach me how to slip out of…"

"ORDER ON DECK," Hagino broke in. "Tsubael, I am entrusting Akane-san to your protection. Make sure she feels at home aboard the Blue. Please make sure however, she doesn't touch any sensitive instrumentation."

Tsubael blurted, "You mean like these instruments?" She ran her fingers over a few touchpad keys and the mother computer generated a series of pitch modulated fart and burp noises. "Don't worry _generalissima_, I'll make sure the horime's entertained."

"I see you've been keeping yourself busy during my last departure," Hagino said after she finished wincing at the flatus noises. "It's COMMANDER, if you remember."

"_Ja wohl_," Tsubael replied.

Hagino offered her arm again to Mari, "Forgive my navigator's behavior. Do accompany me to my private quarters. I know you appreciate art and I've been dying to show you my private collection of etchings and statuary..."

Mari took Hagino's arm again and followed her off the bridge, but she threw a backward glance at Akane. She nodded as if to say, "Should I?"

Akane shrugged as if to say, "Whatever dude."

After the bridge hatch closed, Tsubael ambled up to Akane and clapped a hand on her shoulder. Akane jumped slightly and warned the other girl, "I have pepper spray."

"Pepper's nice," Tsubael mumbled, "I put pepper on my eggs. Which reminds me, the pantry's still stocked since the crew went insane and killed themselves."

Akane's spliff fell from her mouth. She didn't bother to pick it up. "What happened?"

"Ooooh, there's a tale that's worth telling! Come along with me to the mess hall," Tsubael swept her hand toward the floor and picked up the spliff. "Can I keep this?"

Before Akane could say a word, Tsubael tucked the spliff behind her right ear. "Talk later," she said to Akane, "eat now. You look hungry."

"Is there anyone else left on the ship?" Akane asked.

"Welllllllll, yeah there is one other," Tsubael drawled, "but I really don't think you wanna meet her. If we're lucky, she won't be around the mess hall."

As Tsubael tugged Akane off the bridge, the tall girl asked, "Who's minding she ship? There's no one left on the bridge."

"Oh the computer will, my dear. Computers… computers… wave of the future, computers." The two young ladies exited the bridge.


	4. Chapter 4

**Odorus Urungus**

-4-

**T****he hatch to the commander's quarters** slid open before Mari's eyes to reveal the opulent interior. Violet drapes tumbled down each corner of the room, framing an authentic mounted object d'art from Earth: Monet, Duhrer, Boticelli, Artemisia Gentileschi… and then there were the other four walls of the polyhydric room.

Mari ambled between the graceful statuary strategically positioned throughout the room. Here, the Three Graces admired each other's charms. There, a Sylph reclined on a couch and boldly exposed her mound. Another sculpture depicted Aphrodite wrestling with a young nymph.

"Wow," Mari gasped, "you sure do know your art!"

"My tastes incline only towards the very best erot – er, romantic themes," Hagino replied.

Mari's ears suddenly picked up on the gentle sound of music floating through the room. The voices of two men – singing in English – twined together in the style of the Everly Brothers. They sang about how words alone could not express love. At least, that's how it sounded to Mari's ears, barely trained in English and its weird inflections.

Hagino laid her hands gently upon Mari's shoulders and leaned toward her ear. "Mari my pet," she purred, "words truly escape me… of how strong my feelings are toward you."

Her defenses softened by the smoldering paintings, the voluptuous sculpture and the soothing intonations of the angelic male voices, Mari couldn't help but collapse into her hostess' arms. "You can try, you know," Mari sighed, "I'm fond of poetry!"

Hagino nuzzled her guest's face softly, "Oh Mari… Mari… my tongue is so very clumsy and poetry is hardly my forte. Come…" The commander of the good ship _Blue_ guided Mari over to her round, spacious, well cushioned bed. The bed was adorned with four alabaster posts that rose, arced and vaulted over the mattress itself into a graceful canopy.

Mari could only marvel at how such a large bed could be placed among the many artifacts without crowding the room, and oh my stars, how sublime that vocal duet sounded. That duo propelled by the simple stroking and thumping of an acoustic guitar. She placed her seat upon the bed, which gave and caressed her simple charms. She gazed into the azure alien eyes of her hostess, which were constant and unblinking and… _why the hell doesn't she blink?_

Her question was brushed away casually with a stroke of Hagino's fingers against her chin. Hagino leaned in close to Mari and whispered, "Do excuse me while I slip into something more… comfortable."

"Yes," said a mesmerized Mari.

Hagino righted herself, slithered toward the far wall of the room adorned with a painting by Graciella D'Orgasma of a woman arching her back from a bed and reaching out to touch a succubus clothed in peacock feathers. Hagino pressed her finger against the woman's pubis and the wall receded and slid away to reveal a dimly lit room.

Hagino turned over her shoulder and said to Mari, "I'll be a moment," and disappeared into the dim room. The wall with D'Orgasma's painting slid into view and fit back in place.

Mari lay back on the bed, her arms folded behind her head and regarded her reflection in the mirror fixed on the canopy of the bed. _This is too good to be true_, the young schoolgirl thought, _far too good_…


	5. Chapter 5

**Odorus Urungus**

-5-

"**W****e're almost there,"** Tsubael announced to Akane as she glided inches off the floor like a fluff of pollen. A fluff of pollen, Akane noticed, with a sidearm clipped to one hip and some other chrome plated device clipped to the opposite hip. It didn't look like some outer space gadget to Akane. There was something very familiar about its curved shape.

Tsubael rambled on, "Yeah so we got Betelguesian Brisquette, Vegan Veal, powdered milk… if you can stand the taste. I prefer to take mine straight from the teat, you catch what I'm saying?"

Akane stifled her gag reflex and rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I think so."

Tsubael reached a hatch with a waist level keypad positioned to the right. The pale Arume began typing a code into the pad as she continued blathering to the tall schoolgirl.

"Y'know with all our technological advances, I can't wrap my head around the fact that we still use microwave ovens to warm up our food. Microwave, can you believe that crap? I mean it's so backward! We can travel faster than light, blip from one star to the other in a hot minute but we're still warming our soup in a microwave and OH DAMN IT TO HELL, HERE SHE IS."

Akane switched her gaze from the floating boor to the tall figure standing at the opposite side of the hatch. Like Tsubael, her skin and hair were pale and her eyes were gray but unlike the floating navigator, her feet were firmly planted on deck. She was as tall as Akane. Her face was somber and there was no sparkle in her steely gaze.

"Greetings and salutations," the woman intoned to Akane.

Tsubael groaned and raised her arm in an introductory gesture. "Akane-san meet Corporal Azanael, Corporal this is Akane-san, one of our guests from Earth…"

"I am glad you are here," Azanael said to Akane with a voice that was freighted with sorrow. "I am a pilot in the great and enviable Arume navy. It is aboard this ship," Azanel stroked a metallic wall with one hand, "that I lost Oromil… my ain true love."

Tsubael butted in, "Um look, I already told her about Oatmeal so…"

Azanael shot Tsubael a murderous look, which made the navigator slide her hand toward her sidearm. Azanael turned her attention to Akane.

"I have written a poem, a eulogy for my beloved now that she is naught but star stuff. May I share it with you, woman of Earth?"

Akane's mouth popped open and shut as she searched for words that would keep this deadly looking soldier girl appeased. She managed to summon, "Uh…"

Azanael reached down to her hip and snapped out a slim leaf of paper that was filled with an elegant scrawl. She cleared her throat and began to read the paper's contents.

_"Ah me! The stars are blotted._

_The myriad worlds plunged_

_in shadow._

_The galaxies cease their_

_tumble through the void._

_For they stand stock still_

_in vigil._

_The brightest silvery star_

_in the heavens has been_

_eclipsed._

_Oh Oromil,_

_my Oromil…"_

"Cry us a fracking river," Tsubael snarled and shut the hatch in Azanael's face.

"What was that about?" Akane sputtered.

"Eh, that was just Azanael whining about her stupid dead girlfriend, Oatmeal…"

"Oromil!" Azanael hollered through the closed hatch. "Her name was Oromil!"

"WHATEVER!" Tsubael hollered back. She turned to Akane, "You know, there's another way to the mess hall. Follow me."

Akane raised her hands in a halting gesture. "Whoa! Who's this Oromil? Am I gonna get a straight story about this girl? I mean, who'd know better about her than her girlfriend?"

Tsubael jabbed her thumb at her own self. "Her co-worker, that's who. Let's get something to eat and I'll tell you all you want to know about the fearless Lieutenant…" she turned from Akane to the hatch and sneered, "OATMEAL!"

"Heartless wretch," Azanael growled from the opposite site of the closed portal, "may the heat of the Seven Sisters consume you in their blazing, blue-white fury and your ashes be spat into the bowels of the Coal Sack Nebula…"

"Your poetry SUCKS," Tsubael shot back to Azanael. She motioned to Akane. "We'll warm up some food, then story time."


	6. Chapter 6

**Odorus Urungus**

-6-

**M****ari was sprawled out **on Hagino's large bed and though her mind was intoxicated by the paintings and statuary, there was a nagging thought tugging at her.

It had something to do with that damned music.

It was obviously on a loop because she kept hearing the same song over and over. It seemed to be about love, but the more she concentrated on the English lyrics, the more the disparate pieces of a puzzle seemed to come together.

The two voices kept singing about how words couldn't describe love. How the "girl" they were singing to had to do a little bit more than just say "I wuv you." A bit of what exactly? "Reach out and touch me?" Where exactly? HIS hand? HIS lips? HIS shoulder? Maybe somewhere LOWER?

The voices went on, "Then you WOULDN'T have to say that you love me / 'Cause I'D already know!"

_Hagino would know that I love her without me saying so?_ Mari wondered. She'd been telling Hagino over and over again how much she loved her, but it didn't seem to be enough. Hagino wanted MORE out of her, and now here she was! She was on a spaceship… out at sea… locked in Hagino's private room… with all sorts of erotic imagery surrounding her… on a large, plush bed with MIRRORS on the ceiling… and that damned song going OVER and OVER and OVER about knowing her and…

_KNOWING me?_

_Yes_, she could hear Richard Dawkins' voice in the back of her head, _in the BIBLICAL sense!_

The puzzle came together and Mari shot upright on the bed.

_Oh… Oh! OH! That scheming little… she brings me out to her spaceship and tries to pop my cherry. And she never even asked me out on a proper date! No dinner, not even a movie! No! She just drags me off to her spaceship and WHAT'S WITH THE MIRRORS ON THE CEILING?_

And then… THEN Mari noticed something else. She saw it under one of the pillows. Something large and pink. Mari reached over and snatched it. Upon looking at it, she groaned and stifled a curse.

It was XXL "Hello Kitty" women's underpants.

The secret doorway slid open, and Hagino stepped through with bedroom eyes and an easy smile. She was dressed in a velvet smoking jacket with slippers, she had a pipe in her mouth _(Tobacco? EWWWW!)._ In one hand arm she carried an silver ice chiller with a bottle peeking out from the top. In the other hand she carried two stemmed glasses. Hagino winked at Mari.

"Would my lovely guest care to sample my private stock? Some of the 'Thunderbird' perhaps? Only the finest vintage from Earth!"

Mari leapt from the bed and shot her finger at Hagino. "You… CREEP!"

Hagino frowned, "Creep? I'm not familiar with the word. Some Earthling term of endearment?"

Mari marched forward, "Don't you play innocent with me, you bedroom bandit! You don't love me!"

Hagino chuckled, "Of course I do, my pet! Look, if the Thunderbird is not to your liking, I can surely get a better label. Perhaps you're more inclined to 'Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum?' "

Mari raged like a junkyard dog. "You just wanna get up my skirt, use me and throw me away like a wrinkled Kleenex you… you… JERK!"

Hagino bit her lip. She realized she was losing command of the situation. "Mari, my turtledove, my barn swallow! You've got this all wrong! Whatever would make you think that I would use you so poor – EEP!"

Mari hurled the "Hello Kitty" pants straight in Hagino's face.

"How do you explain THOSE," Mari demanded.

Hagino grinned awkwardly, "These are mine!"

"They're extra, EXTRA large! They're big enough to fit around a hippo's ASS! Being a chubby chaser is one thing, but to come to me for SLOPPY SECONDS? Is THAT how you see me?"

Hagino was pulling every cliché out of the book . "No, no, no… babe, you got me all wrong! This… HEFTY chick meant nothing to me! I'm new to this strange, strange, world and I want to sample ALL it has to offer and…"

Mari pointed to herself, "You're NOT sampling this candy, sunshine!"

"Whoa babe," Hagino started forward and the chilled Thunderbird toppled from her grip. "Look, I'm not a bad catch… really! I mean look, I've got a starship! It comes with a gym and a sauna and did I mention it can take you from one end of the galaxy to the other in the same amount of time it takes to sneeze?"

Mari pointed toward the door, "I'm blowing my way out that door, you pervert! Take me back home!" She turned and knocked over one of the erotic statues.

Hagino grabbed Mari's wrist, "Oh… careful, careful, careful honey! That thing's expensive…"

Mari turned 'round and kicked Hagino hard in the shins. The hard-to-handle horime then strutted out the bedroom door.

Hagino held on to her wounded shin as she hopped out after Mari. "Mari baby, wait… OW! MOTHERFRACKER!"

_"More than Words," written by Gary Sherone and Nuno Bettencourt. Attention Mods, I'm giving credit where credit's due. PLEEEEEEZ don't yank my fic._


	7. Chapter 7

**Odorus Urungus**

-7-

**T****subael and Akane were seated** at one of the large tables of the otherwise empty mess hall. Each girl was dipping into a bowl of beige gruel with navy-issue utensils. They were engaged in conversation. Truth to tell, Tsubael was talking at Akane and Akane was reduced to nodding and mumbling "uh-huh" a lot.

Unexpectedly, Tsubael broke into song. She bobbed her head to and fro and warbled a silly tune in her own native Arume language. To Akane's untrained ear it sounded like "Heeble-Babble Ree-Bop, Zeeba-Dabba Doo-Bup, Verble-Werble-niggle-naggle, veep vop voop!"

When Tsubael finished, Akane took over the conversation. "That's a… lovely melody."

Tsubael leaned on her elbow and flashed a conspiratorial leer. "It's a hymn from our ancient sacred texts. Know what it's called?"

"No."

"LAST… MAN… STANDING!" Tsubael said with a cackle. "See back in the old days, we Arume were a lot like you guys. We had males. Males made all the decisions: Who got married to who, how women could dress, who to make war on in the name of their be-penised god. They basically fracked things up royally. But then, a series of miracles happened. You know what they were?"

"Nope."

"Stem cell research! In-vitro fertilization! Cloning! All of a sudden, men weren't necessary for reproduction! So one day one brave woman stood up and said to Arume-kind, 'Hey! We don't need 'em anymore! Let's bump the suckers off!'"

"Oh!"

"So we pulled off our skirts, put on some bloomers, wrested the MAN-made weapons from their makers and we hunted them down like, uh… like… what are those Earth animals that lick their own shit?"

"Dogs?"

"DOGS!" Tsubael yelled, "We hunted them down like dogs! And the last man standing, whose name translates into your language as 'Bin Laden' hid in a cave somewhere. We tracked him down and blew him off the map with a cruise missile shaped like… get this… a PENIS. Ha! And that's how the Arume liberated themselves from their stoopit, STOOPIT male counterparts. We introduced true civilization to our world at long last! So rather than fighting among ourselves, can you guess what we did?"

Akane hazarded a guess, "You flew around the galaxy and declared war on everyone else?"

Tsubael whooped, "GIVE THE GIRL A PRIZE!"

While Tsubael spoke, Akane solved the mystery behind the oddly familiar object fastened to Arume's hip. It was a flask of _whiskey_, and Tsubael took sip after greedy sip.

Tsubael let loose a ragged sigh, and Akane winced from the reek of hard liquor. Tsubael delivered a sloppy grin. "You know," she slurred, "I got a lot of grievances against you primitive, backward horime, but I'll say this in your favor: You sure can whip up some wicked sauce! Want some?"

Tsubael shoved the flask in Akane's face, but Akane waved it away. Tsubael shrugged and spilled two throatfuls into her gruel. She stirred it up, and sucked a serving off her spoon. "So who were we gonna talk about again?"

"Oromil," Akane prompted the tipsy Tsubael.

"OHHHHHH, RIGHT… So there she is," Tsubael rambled, "the fearless Lieutenant Oromil is in the weapons magazine storage poking her finger around some high explosives like they're… they're… what are those Earth fruits that look like hand grenades?"

Akane took a wild stab, "Pineapples?"

"PINEAPPLES! Pine… apples! That's exactly it! And I'm at the far end of the room behind a barricade and I'm screaming, 'Don't touch that, dummy! It's a live grenade!' And she says… merciful goddess… she picks one up and says, 'What, this thing?' and she pokes it. She POKES it! So I hit the deck, 'cause you know what happens next, right? I mean, you KNOW what happens next!"

Akane mumbled tentatively, "Aren't you gonna tell me…"

Tsubael sweeps her arms out and yells, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Tsubael continued her drama by beating on the table with her fist. "BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! The whole magazine goes up! BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! BAH-FRACKING-BOOM!"

Tsubael then shook her spoon in Akane's face. "By the time fire control shows up, I'm screaming that I lost my hearing, and brave, brave Lieutenant OATMEAL? There isn't enough left of her to fill a little girl's shoebox!"

Beneath the table, Akane's hands ball into fists. I may very well have to beat my way out of this room, she thought…

…because Tsubael leaned over the table and got in Akane's face. "You horime, OHHH you horime! You go around thinking you're the pinnacle of evolution on Earth. You're not, by the way. Blue ribbon goes to the dolphins… but you damn horime think you're so damn bright. But I've had to sit at my post – for the greater glory of the Arume Empire – and tune into your STUPID programming, your Aitch-Dee-Tee-Vee, and what do you have to show for yourselves? WHAT?"

"I'm still carrying pepper spray," Akane warned Tsubael.

"JERRY SPRINGER!" Tsubael roared. "SURVIVOR! TYRA BANKS! You sent a man to the moon – why you didn't send a woman, I'll never know – but you landed on your own moon. You sent probes into space claiming there was intelligent life on your world. We found your probes and we show up and what do you have to say for yourselves?" Tsubael made a face, "Doy-duh-doy-doy-doy American Idol Der-dee-dur Paris Hilton Nerp-ee-nerp-nerp JAR JAR TYRA BINKS! THAT'S why our crew went insane, and THAT'S why we killed each other!"

Tsubael slumped back into her seat and her eyes rolled into her head. Akane prayed that she'd fall off her chair and she'd be free to track down Mari. Maybe, hopefully…

But no, Tsubael up righted herself, let out a noxious belch and fixed her gaze on Akane. "But you know something? We ain't all that bright either, us Arume. I mean, consider my fearless friend, the dearly departed what's-her-face and her grenade juggling routine. TOTAL DUMMY. Our boss, with her philandering ways, TOTAL DUMMY. I think the Imperial Navy picked the good ship Blue to stuff all the dummies away. One problem: They put me in along with 'em."

Tsubael sighed, "Goes to show you, no matter where you go in this great big ol' galaxy, stupidity abounds. You can learn to travel faster than light, visit strange new worlds and you're still just a bunch of semi-educated dummies visiting another bunch of dummies and you mingle and create a race of… what? I ask you, Akane m'dear? What?"

Akane shrugged, "Dummies?"

"Girl gets a prize," Tsubael slurred.

Akane hitched her thoughts on one of Tsubael's recent statements. "What was that you said about your commander being a philander… er, philanderess?"

"Ohhh, she's probably screwing your little girlfriend right about now."

"WHAT?"

"Which is what I say! We're here to conquer this little blue… DROP, and all she can think of are her SEXUAL conquests."

Akane was about to rise from her seat when a familiar figure entered the room: Azanael.

Tsubael began to giggle, "Well look who flew in – the life of the party herself! Hey, come on over, grab a seat!" Tsubael plunged her spoon into the gruel, scooped up a dollop and waved it seductively at Azanael. "We're having your favorite… DISH."

Akane observed Azanael's face as the pale faced warrior's eyes scanned the spoon. Akane saw a color come to Azanael's cheeks – volcanic red rage.

Akane looked at the spoon, then at her own bowl of gruel and felt the floor give from under her feet.

It was OATMEAL.


	8. Chapter 8

**Odorus Urungus**

-8-

"**D****on't you follow me,"** Mari warned Hagino as she marched down the hallway.

Hagino limped after Mari as she babbled excuses. "Honey, I wasn't acting like myself just now! I don't know what came over me! You know, like that time I tried to strangle you?"

Mari stopped in her tracks and glared at the sleazy starship commander. "How do you remember you tried to strangle me? You said you blacked out and couldn't remember anything!"

Hagino's eyes darted left and right. "Yeah but," she sputtered, "well you uh… told me that I tried to strangle you aaaaand… I want to make it up to you! How about a backrub? Did I mention I do shiatsu?"

"OH GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Mari roared, "You better show me off this ship before I hit a pressure point in your neck and make your HEAD explode!"

Hagino, in spite of the situation, began to giggle, "Oh now baby cakes, I am a military commander. I don't think you know any moves that I couldn't counter…"

Mari pounced on Hagino and delivered a flurry of slaps to her head and face.

"AAAAOOWW," Hagino shrieked, "get off me! Are you crazy? That hurts! ACK! All I did was try to strangle you! OOF! Don't make me call Azanael and… GAH! My nose! Stop it! HELP! Tsubael! Azanael! SOMEBODY!"

-9-

**A****kane jumped away** from the mess hall table as Azanael leapt over it and tackled Tsubael to the floor.

"You craven witch," bellowed Azanael, "you dare make sport of Oromil, my ain true love?"

Tsubael pried Azanael's fingers off of her throat. "If I have to hear one more stupid poem about your 'ain true love', I'm gonna pop you in the head with my whiskey flask!"

Akane tried to speak over the two soldiers' voices, "Look if you two don't kick it down a notch, I'm gonna have to pepper spray you both!"

Azanael rose to her feet and put Tsubael in a headlock. "You will make light of my Oromil no longer! She died a war heroine!"

Tsubael gasped, "She died tossing around grenades like they were juggling pins! She wasn't a heroine, she was a frackin' MORON!"

Azanel reached to her belt and whipped out her pepper spray. "You guys, I'm serious!"

"Apologize to me," Azanel demanded, "and to the memory of my Oromil!"

"UP… YOURS," Tsubael growled as she struggled against Azanael's grip. She grabbed the taller woman's hand and bit into the thick of the palm.

Azanael gasped and let Tsubael loose. The two warriors now faced each other in fighting stance. Akane marched in closer with her pepper spray. "I will use this, I am not screwing around…"

Simultaneously, in a split second, Azanael and Tsubael's hands slipped down to their hips and whipped out their side arms. They aimed their weapons at one another with deadly earnest.

The pepper spray slipped from Akane's grip as she dove behind a mess hall table. "No blasters," she screamed, "NO BLASTERS!"

Tsubael back flipped behind a table and Azanel took cover behind a counter. Thin beams of laser fire began to lance across the room, burning dark lines into the walls and tables.

The two crazed soldiers scurried behind different cover as they stalked each other and fired.

Akane realized she had brought a switchblade to a shootout. _Only one thing to do_, she reasoned, _find an exit_. She looked behind her and saw the door. Akane hit the floor and belly crawled toward her last hope. The air reeked of ozone as crimson lines of fire sparked over Akane's head. She wriggled faster and faster toward the door. Just a few more inches… she can make it round the corner and get back on her feet…

"For Oromil!" the distraught lover cried as she fired a furious bolt toward Tsubael. The bolt missed the drunken oaf by a mile…

…but succeeded in burning a tear though Akane's skirt and leaving a thin black brand against her left buttock.

"OW! MY ASS!" Akane rasped, "You shot my ass! You're both insane!" The tall girl clapped a hand defensively over her wounded cheek as she wriggled through the door, rounded the corner, sprang to her feet and darted down the hallway.

-10-

**H****agino had quickly jumped back** into her military gear before she trailed after Mari down a long corridor. "Look okay, okay, okay… you win," Hagino pleaded to Mari as the young schoolgirl strutted away from the no-longer-dashing starship commander. Hagino continued, "We got off to a wrong start. Look, I'll give you a ride back home. I owe you at least that much."

"Ya damn skippy you owe me a ride home," Mari snapped. "And you just remember, Akane-chan will be there if you try any funny stuff… where is Akane-chan anyway?"

Right on cue, the tall, lean figure of Akane came lurching down the corridor towards Hagino and Mari. Her left hand was clapped over her left buttock.

"Akane-chan," Mari called out, "I think it's time we left…"

"YA DAMN SKIPPY WE'RE GONNA LEAVE!" Akane bellowed, "Crazy! They're both bat crap crazy! They pulled out ray guns! Real, honest to god, burn-a-hole-through-your-head RAY GUNS!"

Mari was taken aback. The normally laid back, cares to the breeze, spliff toking Akane-chan was now bug-eyed with terror and screeching like a five year old. And if Akane-chan had lost her cool, that could only mean…

"Oh gawd," groaned Akane, "I can hear them coming down the hall!" Akane grabbed Mari by the wrist and dragged her down the hallway.

"Um," Hagino tried to gather her thoughts. She had to retain composure! "Mari-chan my dear, that way leads to the bridge! The way to the shuttle bay is down… TSUBAEL!"

The visibly inebriated navigator came wafting down the hallway with her flask in one hand and her blaster in the other. She fired shots the direction she came from as she knocked back a throatful of Terran Whiskey. "LOOK OUT commander, COMIN' THROUGH," Tsubael slurred as she spiraled further down the corridor. "Oh, and I'd duck my head right about now if I were you, I think I hit a raw nerve!"

"A raw nerve?" Hagino was flabbergasted. "Explain yourself, Lieutenant!" A thin red bolt of light sparked against the ceiling above her and the commander of the _Blue_ hit the deck. She peeked though her arms and saw a ferocious, gun toting space pilot charging towards her – loosing bolt after bolt of energy from her blaster.

"Turn and face me, you cowering drunkard," Azanael hollered, "you will REPENT of the insults you made against my Oromil!"

As soon as Azanael tramped by, Hagino shot to her feet in alarm. The two Earth chicks, the gun toting drunkard, the love-crazed maniac with the OTHER gun, they were all headed toward the nerve center of the Blue. And none of them seemed to care if said nerve center suffered a massive breakdown.

Hagino charged after the only other occupants of the Blue. "Cease fire!" she cried out, "Cease and desist, do you hear me?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Odorus Urungus**

-11-

**A****kane dragged Mari over **to a large bank of computer consoles and threw her behind one of them before she herself leapt behind it. Mari wore a mask of distress while Akane gave a long exhale on each breath in order to stop hyperventilating.

"Oh Akane-san," Mari whined, "Hagino didn't turn out to be the girl I thought she was. In fact, she is the exact OPPOSITE of what I thought she was! It turns out that Hagino is just a self-centered, sex-crazed, manipulative skeez and…"

"MARI," Akane snapped. She aimed a her long index finger at her own face. "Take a good, long look. What do you see?"

"Well, I…"

"This is me not giving two shits or a wet fart about your romantic problems!" She grabbed Mari by the collar and dragged her close. "There are two NUTS out there, suffering from some kind of outer space cabin fever and they've got RAY… GUNS! Like in the movies only they're freakin' real! You wanna see HOW real they are? Here! Take a look! Take a good, long look!"

Akane twisted around, hiked up her skirt and exposed the thin, dark line on her left buttock. She hollered, "LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY ASS!"

Mari blinked once, twice, then three times and asked, "So you think it would be a good idea to get off the ship?"

The only thing that stopped Akane from punching her friend in the face was a familiar slurred voice rambling through the second verse of the ancient, sacred, "Last Man Standing" hymn.

"Hoo-de-ha-de-boddin… Murden wee Bin Laden… Brick-a-brack-a-BLAM cum de shupple-BOOM-er lingam! WHEEEE-hee-hee!" Tsubael fluttered onto the bridge with the suicidal abandon of a moth near a large flame. She called out behind her, "You can't catch me, you mopey, poem writing DOUCHE!"

Azanael charged onto the bridge with a murderous howl bursting from her throat. She aimed and fired at Tsubael and missed by a fraction of a millimeter.

"How the hell'd you become a fighter pilot," asked Tsubael, "when you can't even hit a target as big and cushy as my bee-you-tee-ful back bacon, huh? Riddle me that, Corporal Cry-Baby!"

Azanael went feral. She leapt onto the late, great Oromil's navigation console. With a mighty thrust from her legs she went airborne and grasped onto Tsubael's ankle. "Whoop!" the crocked starpilot cried as Azanel began to scale up her leg. Azanael's teeth gnashed as if she intended to sink them into Tsubael's hide.

"Hey, hey, no, no, WAIT! That's cheating! CHEATING!" Tsubael tried to aim but when she fired, the laser beam bore a hole into the commander's ergonomic seat. Tsubael began to lose altitude as Azanael grabbed one handhold after the other.

At that moment, Hagino crept cautiously onto the bridge. "What the hell have you done to my command seat? Explain yourself, Lieutenant!"

"Help! RAPE!" Tsubael yelped pointing at the rabid Azanael. "This sex-starved she-male is _woman-handling _me!"

"Make amends or DIE, you inebriated ne'er do well," Azanael demanded.

Tsubael continued ranting, "This is sexual harassment! I demand a court-martial! Leggo, you oyster-shucker! RAPE!"

Hagino flailed her arms, "Okay, everybody needs to take a deep breath."

"Damn straight!" Akane cried out form behind the computer console.

Azanel shrieked, "REPENT, you drunken bitch-hound!" Azanael succeeded in wrestling Tsubael to the deck.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay, OH-KAY! I'm sorry, damn it! You hear me? I'm sorry! Sweet mother o' heaven, I'm sorry!"

"As well you should be," Azanael snarled.

"Yeah, I'm sorry that I'm TEN TIMES PRETTIER than that two legged brain tumor you called a girlfriend!" Tsubael kneed Azanael in the groin 1. Azanael groaned and rolled onto the deck.

"THAT DOES IT," Hagino roared. She leapt into the fray and tugged both Tsubael and Azanael to their feet by their ears. "You two are having a TIME OUT!"

"FRACK YOU," Tsubael growled.

"Unhand me!" Azanael demanded. "She insulted my Oromil! My ain true…"

The main computer came to life, raising an alert with a stern, maternal voice. "Alert! Arume war cruiser on incoming trajectory; approaching at attack velocity!"

Mari peeked over the console, "Ya think they'll give me a lift off this crazy ship?"

"Get down stupid," spat Akane as she dragged her back.

"Receiving incoming transmission," the Blue's computer announced.

"Place it on screen," Hagino said in a firm, commander-ish voice. _Whatever's approaching us can't be anywhere as crazy as what's going on right now_, Hagino reasoned to herself.

When the image of the commander of the _Gelbill_, Tha-newly dubbed-Ice Razr materialized, Hagino groaned loudly. All her hopes were shot to hell.

**(** 1 **Yes, according to my friends of the female persuasion, it can hurt down there… REAL BAD.)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Odorus Urungus**

-12-

**A****rms folded, the image of Tha Ice Razr** nodded at the _Blue's_ crew. Her greeting oozed through deadly, grinning teeth. "Whassup… PUNK- ASSES?"

Hagino strode forward and cleared her throat, "This is a bad time for contact Commander De…"

"My tag's THA ICE RAZR, you phoney-ass sell out," Tha Ice Razr announced, chewing on every word.

"Look," Hagino continued, "if this is about seceding from the fleet, I had perfectly legitimate reasons to do so. If you refer to Article 9 of the Shadow Proclamation…"

Tha Ice Razr butted in, "Shadow Proc'a'mation's fo' half-steppin', half-way crooks who can't stay loyal to they FAMILY. You think you can turn yo' back on yo' FAMILY? We wuz SISTAHS, yo!"

Hagino made a face. "Uh, we aren't sisters in any way. What's with the stupid accent?"

"SISTAHS, yo! The Master Commander MADE us, dawg! And she was gonna give you tha keys to tha kingdom! You was gonna be A-numbah one, dawg!"

Hagino blinked, "I was up for promotion?"

"You was gonna be queen bee dawg," Tha Ice Razr continued, "and I was gonna be yo' numbah-one G! Now… I'm a-give you ONE LAST CHANCE to get right with tha FAMILY! Take off yo' cap and KNEEL before Tha Ice Razr! Humble yo' ass before me and the Master Commander will take you back in like tha… tha pro-di-gi-cal child you are! Kneel bitch, or I'll bust a queen sized, iceberg cap in yo' pale ass dome!"

Hagino was insulted, "You want me to kneel before you?"

Akane and Mari popped their heads over the console bank and took turns saying, "Yes! Kneel! Kneel bitch, kneel! We don't wanna die!"

"But I do," wailed Azanel, "slay us O Ice Razr! I care not for this wretched life anymore! I wish to be reunited with my Oromil, my ain…"

"SHUT UP," blurted Tsubael. "You know something? Hey commander, I vote Ziggy Whigger Stardust blows us to queendom come! 'Cause if I have to hear ASS-a-na-el whine about Oat Bran one more time I swear to goddess I'll frag the bitch myself!"

"Everybody on board, keep quiet!" Hagino commanded as she stomped her little, girly foot against the hard unyielding deck. "I am in charge and I will make the decision!"

Tha Ice Razr's crooked grin grew more deformed, more lethal. "KNEEL you punk-ass, Shadow Proclamatin' half-stepper. Cause if you don't, I'm a-smoke yo' ass dead with the ICEBERG GUN. Aw yeah, you KNOW what I'm talkin' about."

Hagino was reduced to stammering, "Now you hang on a minute!"

"Either you kneel to me… or you kneel to the ICEBERG GUN."

Hagino's lip began to quiver, "There's no need for you to use the Iceberg gun…"

"HEY!" Tsubael broke in, speaking to Tha Ice Razr. "Yo' MOMMA'S got an Iceberg gun, right up the crack of her a— "

_Oh shit_, Hagino simpered to herself, _game over_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Odorus Urungus**

-13-

**A****board the **_**Gelbill**_, Tha Ice Razr hurled a finger at her view screen which depicted the _Blue's_ cowering crew. "SMOKE THOSE BITCHES!"

From 1,500 feet above the _Blue_, up in the clouds, the _Gelbill's_ mighty catapult hurled a mammoth, lance-shaped iceberg at the inert, sea-bound starship.

Contact!

Inside the _Blue_, her five inhabitants lurched and spilled about the bridge like a pack of walk-in extras on an old episode of _Star Trek_.

"STATUS REPORT," Hagino bellowed, "Tsubael, be useful for once in your life and tell me what's going on!"

Tsubael, slumped over her navigator's console, tapped a few keys. With a series of burp and fart audio samples, a hologram of the _Blue's_ blue prints. A flashing red square appeared over a section of the _Blue_. "We took an iceberg to the port beer… um, bow!"

Behind the console, Mari reflexively clutched Akane tightly. She turned to her friend and asked, "Are we gonna die?"

Akane answered a question with a question, "Am I gonna die next to your dumb ass? Because if the last thing I see in life is your space alien loving face, then I'll have died in vain."

Mari tried to calm her friend down. "Look there has to be some way of getting off this ship ourselves. I'm looking at this whole situation and I'm thinking… _Star Wars_."

Akane's eyes rolled to the ceiling, "_Star Wars_? Aw GAWD, I'm gonna die next to Kevin Smith over here!"

"No seriously," Mari insisted, "in the first _Star Wars_ movie – or was it the fourth? I can't remember exactly, yeah it was the one that came out in '77. Anyways, in _Star Wars_ the two robots… uh, droids, they had to get off that spaceship that the Empire captured. So in order to escape the Empire, they got off the spaceship with a… um…"

"With a WHAT?"

"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" Mari waved Akane off and continued, "I mean they were on a spaceship and we're on a spaceship and all spaceships have… I'VE GOT IT!" With a snap of her fingers, Mari peeked over the console and towards the embattled Commander Ekaril, aka Hagino.

"Um, Hagino honey?" Mari cooed.

Hagino, clutching her command seat like a frenzied housecat, looked over to the horime girl getting sweet with her. She pasted a false smile on her face and replied, "Um… yes, my pet?"

"I was wondering, where do you keep the ESCAPE PODS?"

"Uh… you take the starboard side hatch, down past three doors, and there's the escape pod bay. But Mari my sweet, why…"

Akane popped up and said, "See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" She grabbed Mari and darted toward the starboard side hatch.

As the two horime evacuated the bridge, Hagino started barking orders at her two delinquent underlings. "Everyone to their battle stations, that means the both of you! Tsubael, report!"

Tsubael propped herself up, snapped a lazy salute and said, "The navigator has wet her pants and is BEYOND… CARING… MA'AM!" She slumped back into her seat.

Hagino turned to Azanael, "Corporal, you are aboard my ship and therefore under my command. Woman the batteries and return fire – what the HELL are you doing?"

Azanael drew a lightsaber and turned it on herself, "Oromil my star bound angel, I am coming! _Banzai Amaterasu_!"

Another iceberg blast knocked the saber from Azanael's grip. She slipped and hit the floor.

"I think I hurt something," Azanael reported.


	12. Chapter 12

**Odorus Urungus**

-14-

Mari and Akane arrived at the escape pod bay at a furious gallop. They stood before one entrance hatch and noticed a keypad near the door.

"Oh no, I don't believe this," Mari whimpered, "the only way to enter the pod is with an alphanumeric code and I have no idea what…"

Akane took the initiative. She grabbed Mari by the scruff of her neck and smacked her head against the keypad. With a whistle the hatch door opened.

"AAAAAOOOOW," Mari grunted, "what ya do THAT for?"

Akane pushed Mari inside the escape pod and slammed the hatch shut.

-15-

"Awwww yeah, dawg!" Tha Ice Razr drawled as she strutted along the length of the _Gelbill's_ bridge. She regarded the view of the damaged _Blue_ with supreme satisfaction. "Thass how we do it in MY hood! _Gelbill_ posse in effect! Can I hear my sistahs?"

"_Blue_ crew ain't nothin' but shit," the crew responded unenthusiastically.

Tha Ice Razr noticed a frisbee shaped vessel pop out the starboard side of the _Blue_. She let loose a banshee cackle.

"Ah, look at them punks! An escape pod! They runnin', they runnin'! Ice Razr, whut-whuuuuuuut?"

At that moment, the main gun turrets of the _Blue_ swiveled toward the airborne _Gelbill_ and opened fire. The _Gelbill_ rocked to and fro and the crew staggered across the deck, they looked like they were doing the "Walk Like an Egyptian" dance.

"Who the FRACK did that?" The Ice Razr hollered. "Them punk asses took a shot at US?"

"They did, Ice Dawg," replied one of the technicians.

Another surprise: The _Blue_ shimmered on the screen and vanished, leaving the open ocean.

"Aw, so now they runnin'," Tha Ice Razr growled, "half-steppin' fools can't face down Tha Razr!"

Yet another surprise: The _Blue_ materialized from nowhere off the portside of the _Gelbill_. Its cannons fired wildly, sometimes hitting the _Gelbill_, sometimes missing by a mile.

Tha Ice Razr was beside herself. She was woman and she roared, "SMOKE… THOSE… BITCHES!"

-16-

Aboard the Blue, Hagino was hopping from one control console to the other: Navigation, weaponry, propulsion… weapons and back to navigation. Navigation was exceptionally difficult since each station was occupied by a suicidal lover and a swooning drunk, respectively. In spite of these ridiculous odds, Hagino managed to get the _Blue_ airborne. She tried to teleport the starship away from danger and towards a safer location, say, the Moon, Antarctica or the Gaza Strip. Instead the materialized the _Blue_ off the _Gelbill's_ portside.

"This… cannot… be happening… to ME," groaned Hagino. She turned to Azanael, "Corporal, you wanna end it all? Help me aim our guns at the Gelbill and go down in a blaze of… frackin'… glory! Whatever it is you care about!"

"Aye…" Azanael sighed, "aye I could do that! For the glory of the Arume! For Oromil! For…"

Hagino lost her cool. "JUST… SMOKE… THOSE… BITCHES!"

Azanael let loose a peal of vengeful laughter as she leapt to the gunnery console and hit the FIRE button again and again and again.

Hagino dashed over to Tsubael's station and shook the piss-stained warrior. "Tsubael, wake up! Wake the frack up!"

"Five more minutes mommy," Tsubael mumbled.

-17-

The escape pod rocketed across the Pacific Ocean at near supersonic speed. Inside Mari and Akane were pasted to the wall, their lips stretched across their faces revealing sets of teeth that grinned like the Joker – if the Joker were on amphetamines.

The escape pod covered hundreds and hundreds of miles before it decelerated by skipping across the water like a stone once, twice, three times…


	13. Chapter 13

**Odorus Urungus**

-18-

The scene in the air was a spectacle that would have made George Lucas supremely jealous. The _Gelbill_ and the _Blue_ traded shots like two buccaneer vessels in an old pirate movie. The _Blue_ battered the _Gelbill's_ hull with furious volleys of laser fire. The _Gelbill_ responded by lobbing one armor piercing spear of ice after the other. Both starships were in bad, bad, bad, bad, bad shape.

Aboard the _Blue_, Azanael hollered an ancient Arume vow of bloody retribution, which to the untrained earthling ear sounded like "Re-bop a whee-bop a whop bam BOOM!"

Hagino was furiously cracking her navigator across the chops with the back of her hand. Her voice was a shriek that could wake the dead – but had little effect on drunks. "Tsubael! This is serious! We're about to get blown out of the sky! You've got to plot an escape jump to anywhere but here and you've got to do it NOW! Damn it, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

Tsubael regarded her commander with bleary eyes. Then, she pitched over and let loose a gray-and-white issue of vomit that splashed over Hagino's once-immaculate campaign uniform.

Even as flames erupted inside the bridge, Hagino paid no attention as she gawked, jaw-a-twicthing, at her inebriated underling. Tsubael clapped her hands on her thighs, uprighted herself, wiped stray flecks of puke from her lips and said to her commander:

"Oh damn, were those your GOOD boots?"

And with that, the good ship _Blue_ and the mighty _Gelbill_ – vessels of the great and enviable Arume Navy – went up in a ball of white-hot heat.


	14. Chapter 14

**Odorus Urungus**

-19-

An escape pod – the last surviving relic of the good ship _Blue_ – bobbed up and down the bounding main a few miles off the coast of the Hawaiian island chain. An American Coast Guard ship homed in on the pod's universal distress signal. The ship picked up the frisbee shaped vessel and brought it aboard deck. When the crew managed to open the hatch, they discovered two sweaty, sticky, highly irate Japanese school girls tangled together in an awkward pretzel of arms and legs. They quickly pried each other loose and planted their feet on deck. The ship's captain had two dozen questions for them, but the taller girl – Akane – pushed past the seasoned sailor. She muttered in Japanese, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I have to pee."

The next day, having eaten, bathed, and relieved themselves, the girls agreed to appear for a world wide press conference. It was held aboard the top deck of the Coast Guard vessel. Mari and Akane appeared before an army of reporters and cameramen and subjected themselves to a barrage of flashbulbs and turrets of microphones. The two girls took the media assault with the reserve of samurai. Mari took a moment to look up at the conning tower of the Coast Guard vessel and frowned. Yes, she decided at that moment, she had just about had it with boats. She had had her fill of mighty ships of the sea and stars and if she never set foot on one again it would be too damned soon.

Akane in the meantime, was returning to a state of contentment. She had scored a spliff off a nameless midshipman who knew a guy who would provide some killer weed at a good price. Since Akane was some kind of hero for fifteen hot minutes, she got hers for free. She merrily lit her spliff in full view of the press men and women of the world. They asked no questions about her score so she told no lies.

One reporter caught the girls' attention. "Yamagata Hiroko for NTI: Young ladies, satellite cameras detected a furious air battle between two unidentified flying objects 80 miles off the coast of Japan. Is it true that the disc shaped vessel you traveled in was involved in that exchange?"

Mari's face screwed up in aggravation. She leaned toward the bank of microphones and said, "Well, duh."

"Yeah I mean, really," was Akane's follow-up comment.

Another hand went up, another reporter spoke in passable Japanese, "Anderson Cooper, CNN. Young ladies, will you confirm or deny reports that you had a close encounter with extraterrestrial life forms?"

The crowd hushed as Mari again leaned toward the microphone bank. "Yes I did," was her curt reply.

Cooper pressed on, "Can you describe the encounter you had, Ms. Wakatake?"

Mari bit her lip, then muttered, "She was an insensitive jerk."

"Yeah," Akane butted in, "This alien space commander was trying to talk Mari into sleeping with her."

The press pit gasped in unison. Mari shot a killer glare at Akane. "I thought we agreed we wouldn't discuss that part!"

Akane sneered and stuck out her tongue.

A FOX News reporter tried to work the intimate encounter angle. "Ms. Wakatake, did the extraterrestrial try to probe your anus at any point?"

"I am not even going to honor that with a response," Mari snapped.

A midshipman, acting as moderator, intervened. "Next question, you two in the back?"

A tall man and a red haired woman, both dressed in black overcoats, stepped up to a microphone. The tall man spoke, "Ladies, I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder of the FBI. Do you care to comment about the intelligence of the beings you encountered? How advanced are they compared to us?"

Mari and Akane both regarded the FBI agents and weighed the question carefully in their heads. Mari spoke first, "Agent… Mulder, is it? Agent Mulder, my friend and I encountered a species that can travel faster than light and stake their claim from one planet to another across the entire galaxy. But for all those superficial accomplishments, we have met these creatures up close, intimately. I can safely say, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is NO intelligent life in the universe."

To which Akane emphatically added, "ANYWHERE."

**END!**


End file.
